Holy shitballs, y'all. Ive been making a huge effort lately to trust that the universe has got my back, and that it will all work out. I'm working on letting go of my need to control and be able to plan everything out many steps into the future. I'm taking it one day at a time. One good decision at a time. I'm making decisions based on what my higher self wants long term, rather than giving into cravings for immediate but short lived pleasure.
Finances have always been a big stressor for me. We are single income so I can stay home and devote myself to our girls while they are little. I will start working again in a few years, but for now we are making it work.
We have some looming bills. Some property taxes that are due by the end of the year. Some credit card bills the just snuck up and got bigger than we could take out in a single month... you know how it goes. I've been working hard not to come to our financial situation with a scarcity mindset. We're doing the Dave Ramsey plan. I've been sneaking a couple hundred bucks a paycheck into the savings account to get us back up to $1,000. Then I was going to start funneling that couple hundred towards credit card debt. I had a plan. I was making a lot less meat, a lot more beans and rice. A lot more scrambled eggs and roasted broccoli. A lot more stir fries.
But my husband came home tonight and told me to close my eyes. Then he handed me a brand new MacBook Air with a giant stack of cash on top. Apparently while he was away for work last week, he stopped by a casino and turned $200 into $10,000! He's always been lucky. But hot damn.
We can pay off all our credit cards and the property taxes and still have plenty left over for Christmas! I no longer have to use our janky antique MacBook that only works sometimes, but only when plugged into a power source, and will surprise turn off with no warning.
Holy shit y'all. This whole aligning yourself with the universe and experiencing every moment to the fullest without stressing about tomorrow, while making good decisions today, is totally a thing. I used to be such a skeptic. My glass was always half empty. I used to tease my husband that he was a goofy optimist and I was a realist. Turns out, he knew what was up. Now that I've gotten on board, who knows what we can manifest together!
I'm writing this on my brand new MacBook Air. What the fuck. Life is full of surprises when you step back and just allow it to be. Just enjoy the experience. Every single moment.
Jess Lively's podcast is my jam.
So many wisdom bombs dropped in this podcast episode. I've listened to it several times now, and I get something new every time. Jess Lively has such a strong understanding of all the ways the mind distorts your inner voice. Give it a listen! Her podcast is amazeballs and has helped me further my understanding of how to tune in to my inner voice.
Watch Your Mind, Don't Be Your Mind
"...once you recognize the root of unconsciousness as identification with the mind, which of course includes the emotions, you step out of it. You become present. When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangled in it. The mind in itself is not dysfunctional. It is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when you seek yourself in it and mistake it for who you are. It then becomes the egoic mind and takes over your whole life." - Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
From living through the lens of the mind, to living from my heart.
You create your reality. Either consciously through mindfulness (awareness of and disidentification from your thoughts) or unconsciously (by allowing your mind to run amok and create problems where there are none so it can then save you from the nonexistent problems that are very real to your mind). Until you disidentify from the mind, you experience life through the filter of your mind which can create some really bonkers shit.
You don't have to believe every thought your mind creates. You don't have to believe any of them. The ultimate goal is to be able to step back from your mind and live through your heart, only using your mind when needed. It's a thing. I promise. And it's so much easier.
I lived primarily through my mind for the first thirty years of my life. I truly was a "mind creature." I was an A+ student in school. I graduated cum laude with a marketing degree. I was an atheist. I would decide (with my mind) what I wanted to do and then do it. Hard exam coming up? I'll study the shit out of the material obsessively until I have mastered it. New job? I'll ask lots of questions and read up on unfamiliar subjects in the evenings until I feel fully competent. Less than perfect performance in academics or professionally was unacceptable. And I managed to pull it off. Thanks to anxiety. Anxiety fueled me. I would go go go until I accomplished whatever was my current goal.
I also knew that I had a gut feeling that would pop up sometimes around big decisions. For example, I just "knew" my husband was The One from very early on. We partied in the same circles and hung out occasionally throughout my later college years. I was always very aware of his presence whenever he was around. I didn't know why, but he was always on my radar. We eventually started dating and walked down the aisle two years (to the day) after our first kiss. I knew he was it. My mind tried to tell me to date longer and not rush into things, but it also liked the benefits that would come with marriage (those fancy pants benefits that came along with his fancy pants new job, etc.). I "knew" he was it, so we just went for it and got married. It was absolutely the right decision. My heart knew it, but my mind had to justify it before I took the plunge.
Things went south in the anxiety department when I had our first daughter. I was unconscious (living through the lens of my anxious mind) for the first 2.5 years of her life. I decided that I was going to crush it at motherhood because I always did everything perfectly, so I would do motherhood perfectly too, obvy. Turns out, motherhood is 24/7 and no one can be perfect at life every second. It was a very hard lesson for me to learn.
My intuition/heart/gut/soul/inner self had always told me that I would be a mother and I would stay home while they were little. My intuition guided me towards natural birth and attachment parenting, then my mind researched the shit out of those topics until it was satisfied that it was right for me. Seriously. I was at home full time with a tiny baby. I had sooooo much time to obsessively pour over articles about how cry-it-out was detrimental and cosleeping was beneficial. Thank goodness The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding was recommended to me while I was pregnant, and it supported my instinct that on demand nursing was the way to go. Thank goodness for Facebook groups full of other attachment/peaceful parenting mamas who posted nonstop scientific based articles on the benefits of parenting in the way that felt right to me.
Motherhood was my introduction to truly following my heart, I just had to do it through the filter of my mind for a few years. More on that to come...
You don't have to believe every thought your mind creates. You don't have to believe any of them. The ultimate goal is to be able to step back from your mind and live through your heart, only using your mind when needed. It's a thing. I promise. And it's so much easier.
I lived primarily through my mind for the first thirty years of my life. I truly was a "mind creature." I was an A+ student in school. I graduated cum laude with a marketing degree. I was an atheist. I would decide (with my mind) what I wanted to do and then do it. Hard exam coming up? I'll study the shit out of the material obsessively until I have mastered it. New job? I'll ask lots of questions and read up on unfamiliar subjects in the evenings until I feel fully competent. Less than perfect performance in academics or professionally was unacceptable. And I managed to pull it off. Thanks to anxiety. Anxiety fueled me. I would go go go until I accomplished whatever was my current goal.
I also knew that I had a gut feeling that would pop up sometimes around big decisions. For example, I just "knew" my husband was The One from very early on. We partied in the same circles and hung out occasionally throughout my later college years. I was always very aware of his presence whenever he was around. I didn't know why, but he was always on my radar. We eventually started dating and walked down the aisle two years (to the day) after our first kiss. I knew he was it. My mind tried to tell me to date longer and not rush into things, but it also liked the benefits that would come with marriage (those fancy pants benefits that came along with his fancy pants new job, etc.). I "knew" he was it, so we just went for it and got married. It was absolutely the right decision. My heart knew it, but my mind had to justify it before I took the plunge.
Things went south in the anxiety department when I had our first daughter. I was unconscious (living through the lens of my anxious mind) for the first 2.5 years of her life. I decided that I was going to crush it at motherhood because I always did everything perfectly, so I would do motherhood perfectly too, obvy. Turns out, motherhood is 24/7 and no one can be perfect at life every second. It was a very hard lesson for me to learn.
My intuition/heart/gut/soul/inner self had always told me that I would be a mother and I would stay home while they were little. My intuition guided me towards natural birth and attachment parenting, then my mind researched the shit out of those topics until it was satisfied that it was right for me. Seriously. I was at home full time with a tiny baby. I had sooooo much time to obsessively pour over articles about how cry-it-out was detrimental and cosleeping was beneficial. Thank goodness The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding was recommended to me while I was pregnant, and it supported my instinct that on demand nursing was the way to go. Thank goodness for Facebook groups full of other attachment/peaceful parenting mamas who posted nonstop scientific based articles on the benefits of parenting in the way that felt right to me.
Motherhood was my introduction to truly following my heart, I just had to do it through the filter of my mind for a few years. More on that to come...
Dear New Mother, Trust. Your. Instincts.
Dear New Mother,
Trust. Your. Instincts.
I know you are getting all sorts of conflicting parenting advice. Just remember that any fool can write a parenting book. As long as it seems convenient for the adults involved, everyone will hop on the bandwagon despite a total lack of scientific evidence. Just Google "Babywise + failure to thrive."
Mainstream society in the states has an extremely skewed perspective on parenting. It can be traced back to the industrial revolution when young people moved away from their multigenerational families in the country for jobs in the cities. Young women would work in the factories until their first baby was born, then stay home to care for their children while the husband continued to work. Hello isolated nuclear families.
This was the beginning of valuing labor that could be monetized and quantified over all other labor. This was the beginning of men working their shift at the factory, coming home, and being done with their labor for the day because they earned the money. Meanwhile, as anyone with small children knows, caring for tiny humans 24/7 is hard AF, yet does not result in a paycheck and is therefore devalued by society. But I digress...
This shift to young mothers being isolated at home with a bunch of tiny humans and no one around to help, coincided with "expert" male doctors publishing all sorts of bullshit parenting advice such as: Mothers should touch their babies as little as possible to avoid spoiling them through "over-coddling". Babies should be taught to sit in their cribs quietly and never inconvenience the mother. Babies are only manipulating you with their cries, you much not give in or you will raise weak individuals that are a drain on society.
John B. Watson, a respected psychologist and "expert" on child rearing advised parents in the 1920s to "Let your behavior always be objective and kindly firm. Never hug and kiss them, never let them sit in your lap. If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say good night. Shake hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the head if they have made an extraordinarily good job of a difficult task"
This was the beginning of the lie that parenting young children does not have to be an inconvenience and if it is, you're doing it wrong. This was the beginning of babies sleeping, not snuggled up with their mothers, but in a crib in a separate room. This was the beginning of cry-it-out. This was the beginning of transporting babies via stroller instead of carrying them. This was the beginning of attempting to teach independence and "self-soothing" to babies and children by withholding affection.
This was the beginning of parenting with the mind instead of the heart. And we have yet to fully recover. Today new parents are routinely advised by their pediatricians (who by the way, are medical experts NOT parenting experts) to feed on a schedule rather than on demand, and to leave their tiny babies to cry themselves to sleep, even when covered in their own vomit. While the rest of the developed world has paid parental leave, mothers in the states are expected to find childcare and go back to work ASAP. Thank goodness for daycare, pacifiers, automated rockers, and formula so babies can be as inconvenient as possible.
Common advice given to new parents: if the baby is fed and their diaper is freshly changed, there is no reason to further care for the baby. Let them cry themselves to sleep. It's good to teach "self-soothing" as early as possible. How much more mind-based could we get?
Parent from your heart. We are still recovering from generations of fucked-up mind-based parenting advice. Trust you gut. Give your baby snuggles and milk and comfort. The lie that responsive, loving parenting will spoil your baby dates back to over 100 years ago. Don't fall for it.
Just because others parent from the mind doesn't mean you have to. Their judgements on your parenting is a reflection of their mind and their insecurities about all the times they chose to parent from the mind and not their heart.
Generations of mothers have been taught not to trust their intuition. They are well-meaning and are just repeating what their minds have been told about how parenting should be. You know what your baby needs. If leaving your baby to cry alone in the dark feels wrong, just don't do.
Trust. Your. Instincts.
Trust. Your. Instincts.
I know you are getting all sorts of conflicting parenting advice. Just remember that any fool can write a parenting book. As long as it seems convenient for the adults involved, everyone will hop on the bandwagon despite a total lack of scientific evidence. Just Google "Babywise + failure to thrive."
Mainstream society in the states has an extremely skewed perspective on parenting. It can be traced back to the industrial revolution when young people moved away from their multigenerational families in the country for jobs in the cities. Young women would work in the factories until their first baby was born, then stay home to care for their children while the husband continued to work. Hello isolated nuclear families.
This was the beginning of valuing labor that could be monetized and quantified over all other labor. This was the beginning of men working their shift at the factory, coming home, and being done with their labor for the day because they earned the money. Meanwhile, as anyone with small children knows, caring for tiny humans 24/7 is hard AF, yet does not result in a paycheck and is therefore devalued by society. But I digress...
This shift to young mothers being isolated at home with a bunch of tiny humans and no one around to help, coincided with "expert" male doctors publishing all sorts of bullshit parenting advice such as: Mothers should touch their babies as little as possible to avoid spoiling them through "over-coddling". Babies should be taught to sit in their cribs quietly and never inconvenience the mother. Babies are only manipulating you with their cries, you much not give in or you will raise weak individuals that are a drain on society.
John B. Watson, a respected psychologist and "expert" on child rearing advised parents in the 1920s to "Let your behavior always be objective and kindly firm. Never hug and kiss them, never let them sit in your lap. If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say good night. Shake hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the head if they have made an extraordinarily good job of a difficult task"
This was the beginning of the lie that parenting young children does not have to be an inconvenience and if it is, you're doing it wrong. This was the beginning of babies sleeping, not snuggled up with their mothers, but in a crib in a separate room. This was the beginning of cry-it-out. This was the beginning of transporting babies via stroller instead of carrying them. This was the beginning of attempting to teach independence and "self-soothing" to babies and children by withholding affection.
This was the beginning of parenting with the mind instead of the heart. And we have yet to fully recover. Today new parents are routinely advised by their pediatricians (who by the way, are medical experts NOT parenting experts) to feed on a schedule rather than on demand, and to leave their tiny babies to cry themselves to sleep, even when covered in their own vomit. While the rest of the developed world has paid parental leave, mothers in the states are expected to find childcare and go back to work ASAP. Thank goodness for daycare, pacifiers, automated rockers, and formula so babies can be as inconvenient as possible.
Common advice given to new parents: if the baby is fed and their diaper is freshly changed, there is no reason to further care for the baby. Let them cry themselves to sleep. It's good to teach "self-soothing" as early as possible. How much more mind-based could we get?
Parent from your heart. We are still recovering from generations of fucked-up mind-based parenting advice. Trust you gut. Give your baby snuggles and milk and comfort. The lie that responsive, loving parenting will spoil your baby dates back to over 100 years ago. Don't fall for it.
Just because others parent from the mind doesn't mean you have to. Their judgements on your parenting is a reflection of their mind and their insecurities about all the times they chose to parent from the mind and not their heart.
Generations of mothers have been taught not to trust their intuition. They are well-meaning and are just repeating what their minds have been told about how parenting should be. You know what your baby needs. If leaving your baby to cry alone in the dark feels wrong, just don't do.
Trust. Your. Instincts.
Fuck Off, Anxiety
This morning my husband got up with the girls and did
breakfast while I went back to sleep for a bit (the toddler is teething aka
wants to nurse alllll night long). My husband woke me up as he was leaving for
work and the girls crawled into bed with me to snuggle and nurse for a bit. Then I
got up, ate a quick breakfast, and got us all dressed and out the door just in
time. We arrived at the pediatrician’s office at our exact appointment time. It
was a follow-up appointment for a shockingly enlarged lymph node on the side of
my toddler’s neck. The doctor said the antibiotics had done their thing, the
node was no longer infected, and would shrink back down to normal size on its
own, but it could take up to three months to do so.
As we left the pediatrician, the beautiful fall day inspired me to take the kids to a nearby park. Since it was almost lunchtime, we went through the Taco Bell drive thru on the way. We ate at a picnic table in the sun and then explored the playgrounds. I chatted with a nearby friendly mom while we ensured nobody fell off of anything too high. Then the girls and I went down to the lakefront and followed a roaming pack of friendly ducks as they waddled from group to group, looking for handouts. We stayed a little past the toddler's typical naptime, but she was having so much fun quacking at the ducks while they stayed just out of her reach, that she was clearly doing just fine. She fell asleep in the car on the way home and I carried her in and put her down in her bed when we got home.
A month ago, that day would have gone very differently...
I would not have slept in because no matter how hard I tried to fall back asleep, upon waking my mind would have immediately started racing with all that needed to happen before we left for the pediatrician appointment. I would have also tried unsuccessfully not to think resentful thoughts about my husband and the significantly better night of sleep he got last night... and basically every night since we became parents. In addition to breakfast and getting everyone ready, I would have started a load of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and vacuumed the floors. I also, by the way, would have been constantly pushing away unwanted thoughts about how the lump on her neck was still really big and quite possibly something much worse than just a swollen lymph node.
As we left the office, I would have appreciated the beautiful weather and made plans for eating lunch outside at home and then playing in the driveway. If we had gone to the playground, I would have clenched my jaw and powered through and forced myself to “enjoy” the time and play with the girls, all the while checking my watch to see if we had been there long enough to count as our adventure of the day so we could go home. And we absolutely had to be home by nap time so I didn’t lose out on one precious second of that alone time. I would nurse the toddler to sleep, turn on a show for my three year old, and immediately retreat to my bedroom to do yoga and soak up every second of that sweet, sweet alone time.
A week ago, I discovered that I now have the ability to turn off my mind and drop down into my heart at will. One breath and I'm there. And every moment of my life is wonderful now. And I have energy again. And spontaneity. And joy. Motherhood is how I always knew it could be, but I'm no longer forcing anything. It just happens. And it is beautiful.
I am currently on day five of slowly weaning off of my Lexapro and so far, so good! I've tried to wean off of SSRIs twice before, and both times it quickly became apparent that it was a big fat nope. But this time, while I am having the nausea associated with SSRI dosage adjustments, I am having zero of the mental symptoms. So fuck off, anxiety!
As we left the pediatrician, the beautiful fall day inspired me to take the kids to a nearby park. Since it was almost lunchtime, we went through the Taco Bell drive thru on the way. We ate at a picnic table in the sun and then explored the playgrounds. I chatted with a nearby friendly mom while we ensured nobody fell off of anything too high. Then the girls and I went down to the lakefront and followed a roaming pack of friendly ducks as they waddled from group to group, looking for handouts. We stayed a little past the toddler's typical naptime, but she was having so much fun quacking at the ducks while they stayed just out of her reach, that she was clearly doing just fine. She fell asleep in the car on the way home and I carried her in and put her down in her bed when we got home.
A month ago, that day would have gone very differently...
I would not have slept in because no matter how hard I tried to fall back asleep, upon waking my mind would have immediately started racing with all that needed to happen before we left for the pediatrician appointment. I would have also tried unsuccessfully not to think resentful thoughts about my husband and the significantly better night of sleep he got last night... and basically every night since we became parents. In addition to breakfast and getting everyone ready, I would have started a load of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and vacuumed the floors. I also, by the way, would have been constantly pushing away unwanted thoughts about how the lump on her neck was still really big and quite possibly something much worse than just a swollen lymph node.
As we left the office, I would have appreciated the beautiful weather and made plans for eating lunch outside at home and then playing in the driveway. If we had gone to the playground, I would have clenched my jaw and powered through and forced myself to “enjoy” the time and play with the girls, all the while checking my watch to see if we had been there long enough to count as our adventure of the day so we could go home. And we absolutely had to be home by nap time so I didn’t lose out on one precious second of that alone time. I would nurse the toddler to sleep, turn on a show for my three year old, and immediately retreat to my bedroom to do yoga and soak up every second of that sweet, sweet alone time.
A week ago, I discovered that I now have the ability to turn off my mind and drop down into my heart at will. One breath and I'm there. And every moment of my life is wonderful now. And I have energy again. And spontaneity. And joy. Motherhood is how I always knew it could be, but I'm no longer forcing anything. It just happens. And it is beautiful.
I am currently on day five of slowly weaning off of my Lexapro and so far, so good! I've tried to wean off of SSRIs twice before, and both times it quickly became apparent that it was a big fat nope. But this time, while I am having the nausea associated with SSRI dosage adjustments, I am having zero of the mental symptoms. So fuck off, anxiety!
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