Fuck Off, Anxiety

This morning my husband got up with the girls and did breakfast while I went back to sleep for a bit (the toddler is teething aka wants to nurse alllll night long). My husband woke me up as he was leaving for work and the girls crawled into bed with me to snuggle and nurse for a bit. Then I got up, ate a quick breakfast, and got us all dressed and out the door just in time. We arrived at the pediatrician’s office at our exact appointment time. It was a follow-up appointment for a shockingly enlarged lymph node on the side of my toddler’s neck. The doctor said the antibiotics had done their thing, the node was no longer infected, and would shrink back down to normal size on its own, but it could take up to three months to do so.

As we left the pediatrician, the beautiful fall day inspired me to take the kids to a nearby park. Since it was almost lunchtime, we went through the Taco Bell drive thru on the way. We ate at a picnic table in the sun and then explored the playgrounds. I chatted with a nearby friendly mom while we ensured nobody fell off of anything too high. Then the girls and I went down to the lakefront and followed a roaming pack of friendly ducks as they waddled from group to group, looking for handouts. We stayed a little past the toddler's typical naptime, but she was having so much fun quacking at the ducks while they stayed just out of her reach, that she was clearly doing just fine. She fell asleep in the car on the way home and I carried her in and put her down in her bed when we got home.

A month ago, that day would have gone very differently...

I would not have slept in because no matter how hard I tried to fall back asleep, upon waking my mind would have immediately started racing with all that needed to happen before we left for the pediatrician appointment. I would have also tried unsuccessfully not to think resentful thoughts about my husband and the significantly better night of sleep he got last night... and basically every night since we became parents. In addition to breakfast and getting everyone ready, I would have started a load of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and vacuumed the floors. I also, by the way, would have been constantly pushing away unwanted thoughts about how the lump on her neck was still really big and quite possibly something much worse than just a swollen lymph node.

As we left the office, I would have appreciated the beautiful weather and made plans for eating lunch outside at home and then playing in the driveway. If we had gone to the playground, I would have clenched my jaw and powered through and forced myself to “enjoy” the time and play with the girls, all the while checking my watch to see if we had been there long enough to count as our adventure of the day so we could go home. And we absolutely had to be home by nap time so I didn’t lose out on one precious second of that alone time. I would nurse the toddler to sleep, turn on a show for my three year old, and immediately retreat to my bedroom to do yoga and soak up every second of that sweet, sweet alone time.

A week ago, I discovered that I now have the ability to turn off my mind and drop down into my heart at will. One breath and I'm there. And every moment of my life is wonderful now. And I have energy again. And spontaneity. And joy. Motherhood is how I always knew it could be, but I'm no longer forcing anything. It just happens. And it is beautiful.

I am currently on day five of slowly weaning off of my Lexapro and so far, so good! I've tried to wean off of SSRIs twice before, and both times it quickly became apparent that it was a big fat nope. But this time, while I am having the nausea associated with SSRI dosage adjustments, I am having zero of the mental symptoms. So fuck off, anxiety!