First of all, damn. The no coffee and alcohol life is treating me well! Turns out, my anxiety doesn't mix well with coffee. Who know? (Lots of people out there in internet land already knew, apparently.) But I'm a sleep deprived mother of two small humans, and making a cup of coffee for myself ASAP upon waking was a daily part of my morning routine. No more! Sometimes I'll do a mug of green tea if I'm feeling it, but since it's fucking sunny beautiful gorgeous warm springtime weather lately (!!!), it's been fairly painless to give up that breakfast cup of coffee. Surprisingly. And I generally limited myself to one cup a day. Which seemed so harmless compared to the unhealthy entire pot of coffee a day habit I had once upon a time pre-children.
Alcohol. I'm still processing my relationship with wine. Half of my family of origin is Irish. Drinking to "take the edge off" is standard. And it takes the edge off of anxiety. Quite effectively. So it's helping to give up coffee at the same time. I find that generally I have less of that irritable stressed feeling during pre-dinner time now, which is when I would frequently pour a glass of wine while cooking dinner to help me maintain my calm, happy mommy headspace.
My intuition is stronger. For surezies.
And I'm cogitating on becoming a Bradley Method instructor. I'm trying to figure out how I want to get involved in maternal health, and I'm feeling like that could be a good route. I am passionate AF about natural birth. And postpartum maternal mental health. And planting the seed with new mothers to value their intuition over society's opinions on motherhood and mothering. It's big decision time. I'm ready to start doing something. But not just anything... something that I give a shit about. I could use the change of pace. Our family could use more income. The new mothers of the world could use more educators and advocates. We will see...
Taking a Break from Coffee and Alcohol
I'm not drinking coffee or alcohol during the month of April. (Except a fancy family wedding I'm attending halfway through. You better believe I'm not going to pass up the chance to stand around in a sassy dress and heels and sip nice champagne sans-spawn!)
I gave up both coffee and alcohol in December of 2017 after reading Dr. Kelly Brogan's A Mind of Your Own. I couldn't tell a difference. Or maybe I didn't want to see it. But I think I'm going to give it another go.
I've got to make some changes, because I still feel like an anxious hypersensitive mess far too often. And it's not doing it for me. And my brain is probably still rebalancing from going off the SSRIs in November. I don't fucking know. But I need to feel like I am not standing in my own way. And I really like coffee and wine. A lot. And my consumption of both has been creeping back up lately. So it's time to take a break. And sit with the feels when it is hard to go without. Explore the cravings.
I have reduced my consumption of both over the years. These days, I drink a cup or two of coffee daily and a glass or two or three of wine regularly. I don't like that I don't know what my body and mind feel like without the regular influence of both. So I'm going to explore that.
The more time I spend aligned and centered and joyful, the worse the anxious headspace feels. So I'm going to keep on making changes in my life situation until my mind's default programming is alignment, not anxiety.
There. I wrote it down. Now it's a thing and I have to do it. Damn it.
And now I'm going to go re-listen to Dr. Kelly Brogan on The Joe Rogan Podcast for motivation.
I gave up both coffee and alcohol in December of 2017 after reading Dr. Kelly Brogan's A Mind of Your Own. I couldn't tell a difference. Or maybe I didn't want to see it. But I think I'm going to give it another go.
I've got to make some changes, because I still feel like an anxious hypersensitive mess far too often. And it's not doing it for me. And my brain is probably still rebalancing from going off the SSRIs in November. I don't fucking know. But I need to feel like I am not standing in my own way. And I really like coffee and wine. A lot. And my consumption of both has been creeping back up lately. So it's time to take a break. And sit with the feels when it is hard to go without. Explore the cravings.
I have reduced my consumption of both over the years. These days, I drink a cup or two of coffee daily and a glass or two or three of wine regularly. I don't like that I don't know what my body and mind feel like without the regular influence of both. So I'm going to explore that.
The more time I spend aligned and centered and joyful, the worse the anxious headspace feels. So I'm going to keep on making changes in my life situation until my mind's default programming is alignment, not anxiety.
There. I wrote it down. Now it's a thing and I have to do it. Damn it.
And now I'm going to go re-listen to Dr. Kelly Brogan on The Joe Rogan Podcast for motivation.
Sacred Nap Time
Nap times are sacred. I do no housework. I try to interact with children as little as possible. My four year old only gets her iPad while her sister sleeps, this ensures that it stays nice and interesting when I need it most.
My optimal nap time goes as follows: I turn on the "do not disturb" on my phone. I roll out my yoga mat and do some light stretches. I follow a 20 minute-ish yoga tutorial on Youtube. I Savasana/meditate for a bit. I journal and read a book and/or do a little tarot reading. When I get a full nap time to truly focus and center myself, it improves the remainder of my day exponentially.
Sometimes I let that routine slip away. I get caught up in the doing of the mind and forget how much I NEED the quiet alone time. This morning I listened to Natalie Mile's podcast interview with Lauren Toyota and it reminded me how important that alone time is. So I prioritized it today and it felt oh so good.
As an overstimulated Vata-Pitta mother of two small humans, quiet time with myself is something I seem to be forever craving. It is important that I make the most of every little bit I manage to carve out for myself throughout the day. I turn off all external stimuli and focus within.
No screens. No podcasts/audiobooks. Just myself and the stillness within. It is rejuvenating AF.
My optimal nap time goes as follows: I turn on the "do not disturb" on my phone. I roll out my yoga mat and do some light stretches. I follow a 20 minute-ish yoga tutorial on Youtube. I Savasana/meditate for a bit. I journal and read a book and/or do a little tarot reading. When I get a full nap time to truly focus and center myself, it improves the remainder of my day exponentially.
Sometimes I let that routine slip away. I get caught up in the doing of the mind and forget how much I NEED the quiet alone time. This morning I listened to Natalie Mile's podcast interview with Lauren Toyota and it reminded me how important that alone time is. So I prioritized it today and it felt oh so good.
As an overstimulated Vata-Pitta mother of two small humans, quiet time with myself is something I seem to be forever craving. It is important that I make the most of every little bit I manage to carve out for myself throughout the day. I turn off all external stimuli and focus within.
No screens. No podcasts/audiobooks. Just myself and the stillness within. It is rejuvenating AF.
Anxiety and Overstimulation and the Vata Dosha
I just stumbled upon this article from The Journal of Ayurveda and Integrative Medicine and I'm super stoked to see legit research being done in this department. Turns out, the Indians 5,000 years ago knew what was up!
The more I delve into my primary Vata dosha, the more I realize that I am not crazy and it's that my Vata is out of whack. I am so sensitive to overstimulation right now. And my mind's current default thought loop is anxiety and overwhelm. My insomnia is bonkers right now. If I don't take 10 mg of melatonin before bed, after nursing my toddler back to sleep in the early morning, I will just be awake. No amount of meditation and breathing will put me back to sleep. I'm just up for my day at 3:00am whether I want to be or not. I have bursts of productivity and bursts of exhaustion.
I now understand that my husband is Kapha-Pitta and I need to stop comparing myself to him because we are opposites. And it makes so much sense. Damn him and his ability to just casually deeply nap anytime he finds an extra 20 minutes in his day!
Learning more about the Doshas is assisting me in reaching a whole new level of respecting my body and honoring what it truly needs.
Check out some tables and excerpts from "Dosha brain-types: A neural model of individual differences" below...
"The first system is the frontal executive system of the brain, which includes the anterior cingulate gyrus (attention switching and error detection), ventral medial (emotional input), and the dorsal lateral prefrontal cortex (decision making). The Vata Brain-Type exhibits a high range of prefrontal functioning leading to the possibility of being easily overstimulated. They perform activity quickly. Learn quickly and forget quickly. They like to multi-task. Their fast mind gives them an edge in creative problem solving. The Pitta brain-type reacts strongly to all challenges leading to purposeful and resolute actions. They never give up and are very dynamic and goal oriented. The Kapha brain-type is slow and steady leading to methodical thinking and action. They prefer routine and needs stimulation to get going.
The second system is the reticular activating system (RAS) of the brain, which is responsible for arousal level. It determines if we are highly alert, relaxed, or asleep. The Vata brain-type exhibits a high range of arousal levels leading to a sense of over-reacting to the world. They have trouble sleeping soundly. The Pitta brain-type becomes easily aroused and maintains high level of focused arousal to get a task accomplished. The Kapha brain-type is not easily perturbed. They are calm and easy going and seldom get excited.
The fifth system is the limbic system, which is responsible for emotion. It includes many nuclei around the center of the brain: The amygdala for survival and fear response, the hippocampus for anger and spatial awareness, the nucleus accumbens for pleasure, the insula for saliency of experience and tie bodily states to emotions, and hypothalamus that integrates the activity of the autonomic nervous system. The limbic system is highly sensitive to changes in the environment in Vata brain-types. Their emotions are rich and highly variable. When over-activated, the Vata brain-type can have excessive fear and phobias. The limbic system provides the fire for the Pitta brain-type to react to the world. Their actions are competitive and dynamic. In excess, this can lead to irritability and angry. The Kapha Brain-Type is always smiling. They are seldom in a hurry. Nothing seems to make them angry.
The last system is the hypothalamus, which is responsible for homeostasis. It automatically controls our responses to challenges, freeing us from considering hunger, thirst, and arousal levels. The output of the limbic system feeds into the hypothalamus, which then will activate the autonomic nervous systems as needed and even activate the prefrontal cortex. The hypothalamus is intimately involved in the functioning of the other five brain areas. In Vata brain-types, the hypothalamus is constantly changing the state of mind and body. They will experience bursts of activity and rest, and will frequently snack and drink. In Pitta brain-types, the hypothalamus has a strong on and off switch. When turned on, the autonomic nervous system functions at its maximum to accomplish the goal. There is no half-way point. The hypothalamus maintains a higher core body temperature and dynamic mental and physical activity that leads to the preference for cool foods and drinks in this brain-type. In Kapha brain-types, the hypothalamus maintains a slower metabolism. This can lead to easily gaining weight. There is slower responsiveness to temperature and situations."
The more I delve into my primary Vata dosha, the more I realize that I am not crazy and it's that my Vata is out of whack. I am so sensitive to overstimulation right now. And my mind's current default thought loop is anxiety and overwhelm. My insomnia is bonkers right now. If I don't take 10 mg of melatonin before bed, after nursing my toddler back to sleep in the early morning, I will just be awake. No amount of meditation and breathing will put me back to sleep. I'm just up for my day at 3:00am whether I want to be or not. I have bursts of productivity and bursts of exhaustion.
I now understand that my husband is Kapha-Pitta and I need to stop comparing myself to him because we are opposites. And it makes so much sense. Damn him and his ability to just casually deeply nap anytime he finds an extra 20 minutes in his day!
Learning more about the Doshas is assisting me in reaching a whole new level of respecting my body and honoring what it truly needs.
Check out some tables and excerpts from "Dosha brain-types: A neural model of individual differences" below...
 |
| via |
 |
| via |
"The first system is the frontal executive system of the brain, which includes the anterior cingulate gyrus (attention switching and error detection), ventral medial (emotional input), and the dorsal lateral prefrontal cortex (decision making). The Vata Brain-Type exhibits a high range of prefrontal functioning leading to the possibility of being easily overstimulated. They perform activity quickly. Learn quickly and forget quickly. They like to multi-task. Their fast mind gives them an edge in creative problem solving. The Pitta brain-type reacts strongly to all challenges leading to purposeful and resolute actions. They never give up and are very dynamic and goal oriented. The Kapha brain-type is slow and steady leading to methodical thinking and action. They prefer routine and needs stimulation to get going.
The second system is the reticular activating system (RAS) of the brain, which is responsible for arousal level. It determines if we are highly alert, relaxed, or asleep. The Vata brain-type exhibits a high range of arousal levels leading to a sense of over-reacting to the world. They have trouble sleeping soundly. The Pitta brain-type becomes easily aroused and maintains high level of focused arousal to get a task accomplished. The Kapha brain-type is not easily perturbed. They are calm and easy going and seldom get excited.
The fifth system is the limbic system, which is responsible for emotion. It includes many nuclei around the center of the brain: The amygdala for survival and fear response, the hippocampus for anger and spatial awareness, the nucleus accumbens for pleasure, the insula for saliency of experience and tie bodily states to emotions, and hypothalamus that integrates the activity of the autonomic nervous system. The limbic system is highly sensitive to changes in the environment in Vata brain-types. Their emotions are rich and highly variable. When over-activated, the Vata brain-type can have excessive fear and phobias. The limbic system provides the fire for the Pitta brain-type to react to the world. Their actions are competitive and dynamic. In excess, this can lead to irritability and angry. The Kapha Brain-Type is always smiling. They are seldom in a hurry. Nothing seems to make them angry.
The last system is the hypothalamus, which is responsible for homeostasis. It automatically controls our responses to challenges, freeing us from considering hunger, thirst, and arousal levels. The output of the limbic system feeds into the hypothalamus, which then will activate the autonomic nervous systems as needed and even activate the prefrontal cortex. The hypothalamus is intimately involved in the functioning of the other five brain areas. In Vata brain-types, the hypothalamus is constantly changing the state of mind and body. They will experience bursts of activity and rest, and will frequently snack and drink. In Pitta brain-types, the hypothalamus has a strong on and off switch. When turned on, the autonomic nervous system functions at its maximum to accomplish the goal. There is no half-way point. The hypothalamus maintains a higher core body temperature and dynamic mental and physical activity that leads to the preference for cool foods and drinks in this brain-type. In Kapha brain-types, the hypothalamus maintains a slower metabolism. This can lead to easily gaining weight. There is slower responsiveness to temperature and situations."
Ayurveda has the answers.
I have been dabbling in Ayurveda recently. I just finished Perfect Health by Deepak Chopra, literally this morning, and I am all in, motherfuckers. I am a Vata-Pitta. Turns out, I have been discounting my Vata and leaning into my Pitta my whole life because society rewards Pittas. I have spent the majority of my life in a state of Vata imbalance and it explains so much...
Reading through the description of Vata imbalance describes issues I have been dealing with off and on since I can remember. I've had insomnia since childhood. Anxiety on and off. Horrible menstrual cramps always. Stress induced aches and pains since college. Anorexic tendencies throughout young adulthood. And the list goes on...
It was all exacerbated during my first postpartum experience; things eventually balanced out a bit after about a year and I felt normal-ish and functional again. My second pregnancy was rough and the following postpartum experience was even rougher. My Pitta was super out of whack. I was irritable, angry, impatient, self-critical, resentful, and had frequent awful hot flashes that would leave me feeling foggy and irritable.
I was at home with a colicky newborn and a two and a half year old. My midwife and I decided that I should go on Zoloft at my 7 weeks postpartum visit. I was literally debilitated by my anxiety and extreme sensitivity to noise. I would force myself to rally and take the girls to playdates, and then come home and just crash for the rest of the day. I had to constantly remind myself to unclench my jaw. My automatic reaction to all stimuli was to cry and/or yell, and I spent all day not crying and/or yelling. And it was exhausting.
The Zoloft worked at first and then it didn't. So we upped the dose and it worked for a bit and then it didn't. So we upped the dose again. And around the time it wasn't working anymore, I started having some weird side effects, so, after an unsuccessful attempt to wean off of the Zolof, my midwife switched me to Lexapro. Which worked for a while and then it didn't...
Meanwhile I was discovering yoga and meditation and mindfulness. And the more I mediated and stayed present and aware throughout my day, the better I felt. And I credit meditation and mindful awareness of the present moment for my ability to wean off of the Lexapro almost a year and half later.
I have now reached a point in my mindfulness practice, in which I can feel that failing to appropriately care for my body makes it harder for me to tap into my inner guidance. I can feel the difference between a clear day and foggy day. And it's harder to make the right decisions on the foggy days. I've been journaling hard about willpower and motivation and decision making and lo and behold, Deepak Chopra has a vocabulary word for it, sattva! I'm reading about sattva, tamas, and rajas and it's blowing my mind because it's exactly what I have been exploring in my journal recently and been unable to fully articulate. Sattva is the impulse to evolve and move forwards. Tamas is the impulse to stay the same. Rajas is the impulse to act.
"Sattva lies closest to nature's heart, because everything in nature expands, evolves, and grows. Sattva exists in us as our instinct for balance, our life-enhancing attitudes, our innate dignity and respect for others, and our love. As you increase in sattva, you effortlessly live in purity and move in the direction of higher evolution." - Deepak Chopra, Perfect Health
Things are stuff. We are all just experiencing life in our meat-suits with the same ultimate goal, to evolve and grow and become our best selves. Some of us just don't know it yet and may never acknowledge it in this lifetime.
If you haven't yet, I encourage you to check out Ayurveda. There are three different doshas, most people are predominately a combo of two. Hit up this quiz for an easy intro.
Reading through the description of Vata imbalance describes issues I have been dealing with off and on since I can remember. I've had insomnia since childhood. Anxiety on and off. Horrible menstrual cramps always. Stress induced aches and pains since college. Anorexic tendencies throughout young adulthood. And the list goes on...
It was all exacerbated during my first postpartum experience; things eventually balanced out a bit after about a year and I felt normal-ish and functional again. My second pregnancy was rough and the following postpartum experience was even rougher. My Pitta was super out of whack. I was irritable, angry, impatient, self-critical, resentful, and had frequent awful hot flashes that would leave me feeling foggy and irritable.
I was at home with a colicky newborn and a two and a half year old. My midwife and I decided that I should go on Zoloft at my 7 weeks postpartum visit. I was literally debilitated by my anxiety and extreme sensitivity to noise. I would force myself to rally and take the girls to playdates, and then come home and just crash for the rest of the day. I had to constantly remind myself to unclench my jaw. My automatic reaction to all stimuli was to cry and/or yell, and I spent all day not crying and/or yelling. And it was exhausting.
The Zoloft worked at first and then it didn't. So we upped the dose and it worked for a bit and then it didn't. So we upped the dose again. And around the time it wasn't working anymore, I started having some weird side effects, so, after an unsuccessful attempt to wean off of the Zolof, my midwife switched me to Lexapro. Which worked for a while and then it didn't...
Meanwhile I was discovering yoga and meditation and mindfulness. And the more I mediated and stayed present and aware throughout my day, the better I felt. And I credit meditation and mindful awareness of the present moment for my ability to wean off of the Lexapro almost a year and half later.
I have now reached a point in my mindfulness practice, in which I can feel that failing to appropriately care for my body makes it harder for me to tap into my inner guidance. I can feel the difference between a clear day and foggy day. And it's harder to make the right decisions on the foggy days. I've been journaling hard about willpower and motivation and decision making and lo and behold, Deepak Chopra has a vocabulary word for it, sattva! I'm reading about sattva, tamas, and rajas and it's blowing my mind because it's exactly what I have been exploring in my journal recently and been unable to fully articulate. Sattva is the impulse to evolve and move forwards. Tamas is the impulse to stay the same. Rajas is the impulse to act.
"Sattva lies closest to nature's heart, because everything in nature expands, evolves, and grows. Sattva exists in us as our instinct for balance, our life-enhancing attitudes, our innate dignity and respect for others, and our love. As you increase in sattva, you effortlessly live in purity and move in the direction of higher evolution." - Deepak Chopra, Perfect Health
Things are stuff. We are all just experiencing life in our meat-suits with the same ultimate goal, to evolve and grow and become our best selves. Some of us just don't know it yet and may never acknowledge it in this lifetime.
If you haven't yet, I encourage you to check out Ayurveda. There are three different doshas, most people are predominately a combo of two. Hit up this quiz for an easy intro.
Ah the sweet "rapid and dramatic neurobiological change" of motherhood...
This article hit home for me big time. I just sent it to a new mother friend of mine. I wish someone had sent it to me when I was an anxious, isolated new mother...
"What I didn’t know then — what I wish I had known then — was that I was in the midst of the most rapid and dramatic neurobiological change of my adult life. The unmooring I felt, and that so many new mothers feel, likely was at least in part a manifestation of structural and functional brain changes, handed down through the millennia by mothers past and intended to mold me into a fiercely protective, motivated caregiver, focused on my baby’s survival and long-term well-being."
"The more brain change the mothers experienced, the higher they scored on measures of emotional attachment to their babies, a finding that echoed past studies. And the changes in most brain regions remained two years later."
"The brain scans seemed to validate the rapid, pronounced, long-lasting change in mothers that a much bigger body of animal research has found. Reviewing a range of studies, Pawluski and her coauthors wrote in a 2016 paper that as a developmental period, pregnancy is as formative as puberty. “Under healthy conditions, the female brain transforms into a motivated, maternal mechanism,” they wrote. Entering into motherhood is “a major event” for the brain, says Jodi Pawluski, a researcher at University of Rennes 1 in France who focuses on what she and her colleagues call the “neglected neurobiology” of the maternal brain. “It’s one of the most significant biological events, I would say, you would have in your life.”
"Many new mothers say that they feel like crying “most of the time” and wonder if that means they aren’t cut out for being a mother, Brazelton wrote. “It must be reassuring to know that this is a common result of the physical and psychological readjustments that follow delivery. These will pass. They may even be an important part of her ability to become a different kind of person — a ‘mother,’ rather than a young girl.”
- Boston Globe Article
Yeah. And almost two years after baby #2, I'm just now starting to find my balance again. Note the key word, starting. This shit is bonkers, ya'll.
Also of interest to me, is the bit about the more brain changes, the higher the attachment to the baby. I practice attachment parenting, especially during infancy. It felt intuitively right and I was not interested in anything else. I babywear, cosleep, breastfeed past infancy, etc. and don't force any separation between mother and baby until well into toddlerhood. I also had wicked postpartum anxiety birth times. Verrrrrrry interesting!
"What I didn’t know then — what I wish I had known then — was that I was in the midst of the most rapid and dramatic neurobiological change of my adult life. The unmooring I felt, and that so many new mothers feel, likely was at least in part a manifestation of structural and functional brain changes, handed down through the millennia by mothers past and intended to mold me into a fiercely protective, motivated caregiver, focused on my baby’s survival and long-term well-being."
"The more brain change the mothers experienced, the higher they scored on measures of emotional attachment to their babies, a finding that echoed past studies. And the changes in most brain regions remained two years later."
"The brain scans seemed to validate the rapid, pronounced, long-lasting change in mothers that a much bigger body of animal research has found. Reviewing a range of studies, Pawluski and her coauthors wrote in a 2016 paper that as a developmental period, pregnancy is as formative as puberty. “Under healthy conditions, the female brain transforms into a motivated, maternal mechanism,” they wrote. Entering into motherhood is “a major event” for the brain, says Jodi Pawluski, a researcher at University of Rennes 1 in France who focuses on what she and her colleagues call the “neglected neurobiology” of the maternal brain. “It’s one of the most significant biological events, I would say, you would have in your life.”
"Many new mothers say that they feel like crying “most of the time” and wonder if that means they aren’t cut out for being a mother, Brazelton wrote. “It must be reassuring to know that this is a common result of the physical and psychological readjustments that follow delivery. These will pass. They may even be an important part of her ability to become a different kind of person — a ‘mother,’ rather than a young girl.”
- Boston Globe Article
Yeah. And almost two years after baby #2, I'm just now starting to find my balance again. Note the key word, starting. This shit is bonkers, ya'll.
Also of interest to me, is the bit about the more brain changes, the higher the attachment to the baby. I practice attachment parenting, especially during infancy. It felt intuitively right and I was not interested in anything else. I babywear, cosleep, breastfeed past infancy, etc. and don't force any separation between mother and baby until well into toddlerhood. I also had wicked postpartum anxiety birth times. Verrrrrrry interesting!
The Portal of the Present Moment
I spent years stuck in a heavy mind-created reality of anxiety and depression. And being home with small children all day, every day is intense AF on the best of days. I was at home with my own mind-created stressful negative illusion of reality and every day was just survival until my husband got home and I could be alone in a less stimulating environment.
I knew something was off. I remember a knowing feeling that things were off and my headspace was not as it should be, but I didn't know what to do. I was paralyzed by anxiety.
In retrospect, my desire to be alone was the urge to find a quiet space to reconnect with my higher self. Unfortunately, because my mind was a constant barrage of criticism and anxiety, I would always spend my alone time tuning into something external: podcasts, TV, social media, etc. because it provided a brief respite from the torment of my mind.
I eventually found space and clarity in yoga and then meditation. Well, first with SSRIs, but they only provided a few weeks of clarity before the cloud would descend again. But each time we upped my dose or changed my meds, those few weeks of clarity were what I needed. I knew things could be easier and more joyful and I knew I could figure out how to get to that point on my own.
"Time is the horizontal dimension of life, the surface layer of reality. Then there is the vertical dimension of depth, accessible to you only through the portal of the present moment."
-Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
I knew something was off. I remember a knowing feeling that things were off and my headspace was not as it should be, but I didn't know what to do. I was paralyzed by anxiety.
In retrospect, my desire to be alone was the urge to find a quiet space to reconnect with my higher self. Unfortunately, because my mind was a constant barrage of criticism and anxiety, I would always spend my alone time tuning into something external: podcasts, TV, social media, etc. because it provided a brief respite from the torment of my mind.
I eventually found space and clarity in yoga and then meditation. Well, first with SSRIs, but they only provided a few weeks of clarity before the cloud would descend again. But each time we upped my dose or changed my meds, those few weeks of clarity were what I needed. I knew things could be easier and more joyful and I knew I could figure out how to get to that point on my own.
"Time is the horizontal dimension of life, the surface layer of reality. Then there is the vertical dimension of depth, accessible to you only through the portal of the present moment."
-Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
Upping the Lunar Vibes...
It's cold and rainy outside so I'm letting the girls binge watch The Berenstain Bears while I clean and listen to podcast episodes on astrology and moon cycles.
I found this lovely free lunar calendar from Ezzie Spencer. I think it makes a delightful wallpaper for my laptop. I cleaned up all the files and stuff on my desktop, set my tool bars to disappear, and it's all quite zen now.
Still supes grateful that my husband bought me this laptop shortly after I started blogging after he surprise won a shit ton of money in Vegas. Thanks, Universe!
Fresh lunar ink.
Dudes. I just treated my sister and myself to astrological birth chart readings for my sister's birthday. (It's more fun if we both do it, right?) That shit was on point AF for both of us. Bonkers level on point. Apparently my current shift towards the land of the woo is the right direction. It's meant to be my jam. And, shockingly, it is. Once I released all the ego/mind resistance to it, it's all been flowing to me. And it will be a lucrative career path for me, apparently. Sweet. Bring it on. I'm just going to follow my passions and see what happens. Neat.
And I got a new tattoo today. A full moon on my inner right wrist. Seems appropriate for this moment in my life. And the current impending blood moon eclipse situation. It's more visible than any of my others to date. Another step away from the mind-created guidelines of my business-degree-having "self." I'm leaning into my moon sign, pisces, the sign of intuition. I've been feeling a full moon tattoo for a while now, I just had to decide where. My sister asked if I wanted to get tattoos today and I immediately knew I was down. Then the reading beforehand sealed the fucking deal. Full moon all the way. All of my tattoos mark important parts of my life. I'm having a shift right meow. I'm just going to remain open and allow and see what magic the universe has in store for me.
And I got a new tattoo today. A full moon on my inner right wrist. Seems appropriate for this moment in my life. And the current impending blood moon eclipse situation. It's more visible than any of my others to date. Another step away from the mind-created guidelines of my business-degree-having "self." I'm leaning into my moon sign, pisces, the sign of intuition. I've been feeling a full moon tattoo for a while now, I just had to decide where. My sister asked if I wanted to get tattoos today and I immediately knew I was down. Then the reading beforehand sealed the fucking deal. Full moon all the way. All of my tattoos mark important parts of my life. I'm having a shift right meow. I'm just going to remain open and allow and see what magic the universe has in store for me.
Do you bujo?
"As awareness grows, addictive patterns will weaken and eventually dissolve."
- Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
Do you bujo?
I've been keeping a bullet journal for a year and a half and it's been a GAME. CHANGER. Big timez helpful for processing these crazy changes I have been experiencing over the past several years. Just basic journaling is super great for the mental health. Bullet journaling kicks it up a notch, as it includes traditional journal entires as well as any thing else your heart desires. It's a custom journal just for you and your life situation. Watch the video. Just do it.
The habit tracker is a great tool for personal growth. I now use mine as a tool of awareness, rather than a tool for setting rigid goals and then being hyper critical of myself when I fail to live up to unrealistic levels of perfection... been there, done that, not interesting in revisiting that mind-created headspace of despair.
There it is... my January habit tracker in all its imperfect glory...
You have now witnessed the frequency of some of the most intimate details of my life. (The [not pictured] labels are all abbreviations that would make no sense to anyone but me.)
- Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
Do you bujo?
I've been keeping a bullet journal for a year and a half and it's been a GAME. CHANGER. Big timez helpful for processing these crazy changes I have been experiencing over the past several years. Just basic journaling is super great for the mental health. Bullet journaling kicks it up a notch, as it includes traditional journal entires as well as any thing else your heart desires. It's a custom journal just for you and your life situation. Watch the video. Just do it.
The habit tracker is a great tool for personal growth. I now use mine as a tool of awareness, rather than a tool for setting rigid goals and then being hyper critical of myself when I fail to live up to unrealistic levels of perfection... been there, done that, not interesting in revisiting that mind-created headspace of despair.
There it is... my January habit tracker in all its imperfect glory...
You have now witnessed the frequency of some of the most intimate details of my life. (The [not pictured] labels are all abbreviations that would make no sense to anyone but me.)
You are a collection of space grains dancing to the tempo you create.
"At the minute scale of the grains of space, the dance of nature does not take place to the rhythm of the baton of a single orchestral conductor, at a single tempo: each process dances independently of its neighbours, to its own rhythm. The passage of time is internal to the world, is born in the world itself in the relationship between quantum events that comprise the world and are themselves the source of time."
- Carlo Rovelli, Seven Brief Lessons on Physics
You are a collection of space grains dancing to the tempo you create. I don't know about you, but I choose to create a tempo that brings me joy.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)