Dear New Mother, Trust. Your. Instincts.

Dear New Mother,

Trust. Your. Instincts.

I know you are getting all sorts of conflicting parenting advice. Just remember that any fool can write a parenting book. As long as it seems convenient for the adults involved, everyone will hop on the bandwagon despite a total lack of scientific evidence. Just Google "Babywise + failure to thrive."

Mainstream society in the states has an extremely skewed perspective on parenting. It can be traced back to the industrial revolution when young people moved away from their multigenerational families in the country for jobs in the cities. Young women would work in the factories until their first baby was born, then stay home to care for their children while the husband continued to work. Hello isolated nuclear families.

This was the beginning of valuing labor that could be monetized and quantified over all other labor. This was the beginning of men working their shift at the factory, coming home, and being done with their labor for the day because they earned the money. Meanwhile, as anyone with small children knows, caring for tiny humans 24/7 is hard AF, yet does not result in a paycheck and is therefore devalued by society. But I digress...

This shift to young mothers being isolated at home with a bunch of tiny humans and no one around to help, coincided with "expert" male doctors publishing all sorts of bullshit parenting advice such as: Mothers should touch their babies as little as possible to avoid spoiling them through "over-coddling". Babies should be taught to sit in their cribs quietly and never inconvenience the mother. Babies are only manipulating you with their cries, you much not give in or you will raise weak individuals that are a drain on society.

John B. Watson, a respected psychologist and "expert" on child rearing advised parents in the 1920s to "Let your behavior always be objective and kindly firm. Never hug and kiss them, never let them sit in your lap. If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say good night. Shake hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the head if they have made an extraordinarily good job of a difficult task"

This was the beginning of the lie that parenting young children does not have to be an inconvenience and if it is, you're doing it wrong. This was the beginning of babies sleeping, not snuggled up with their mothers, but in a crib in a separate room. This was the beginning of cry-it-out. This was the beginning of transporting babies via stroller instead of carrying them. This was the beginning of attempting to teach independence and "self-soothing" to babies and children by withholding affection.

This was the beginning of parenting with the mind instead of the heart. And we have yet to fully recover. Today new parents are routinely advised by their pediatricians (who by the way, are medical experts NOT parenting experts) to feed on a schedule rather than on demand, and to leave their tiny babies to cry themselves to sleep, even when covered in their own vomit. While the rest of the developed world has paid parental leave, mothers in the states are expected to find childcare and go back to work ASAP. Thank goodness for daycare, pacifiers, automated rockers, and formula so babies can be as inconvenient as possible.

Common advice given to new parents: if the baby is fed and their diaper is freshly changed, there is no reason to further care for the baby. Let them cry themselves to sleep. It's good to teach "self-soothing" as early as possible. How much more mind-based could we get?

Parent from your heart. We are still recovering from generations of fucked-up mind-based parenting advice. Trust you gut. Give your baby snuggles and milk and comfort. The lie that responsive, loving parenting will spoil your baby dates back to over 100 years ago. Don't fall for it.

Just because others parent from the mind doesn't mean you have to. Their judgements on your parenting is a reflection of their mind and their insecurities about all the times they chose to parent from the mind and not their heart.

Generations of mothers have been taught not to trust their intuition. They are well-meaning and are just repeating what their minds have been told about how parenting should be. You know what your baby needs. If leaving your baby to cry alone in the dark feels wrong, just don't do.

Trust. Your. Instincts.