Day #10 of no Lexapro. Feeling fairly back to normal! Days #4-8 were the hardest. All the anxiety came back full force. All the twitchies. All the irritation. All the brain fog. All the insomnia. All the overwhelm. All the overstimulation. All the exhaustion. All the urges to throw things out of frustration. And withdrawal has the added bonus of nausea, achey muscles, and full body sensation zaps! Despite my best efforts to keep my shit together, I was a hot mess...
It's so strange experiencing the symptoms coming back full force over the course of a day or two. Feeling normal, momming along wiping noses and butts and stuff, and then suddenly I'm back in the deep end of overwhelming anxiety and I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I'm white-knuckling it through my days. I have to constantly remind myself to unclench my jaws and relax my shoulders. I have the urge to respond to every stimuli by either yelling or crying. Life is overwhelming. Everything is too loud and too bright. Thank goodness it coincided with Thanksgiving and the following weekend so my husband was around for most of it. Remaining pleasant and patient with my kids took every ounce of concentration and effort. All I wanted to do was yell at everybody and then go hide. But I didn't... much. I got through it. As much family time as possible was spent outside going on little walks and hikes. And as little as possible was spent in the car. I have a hard time in the car with the girls when it's bad. So much shrieking and singing and nonstop questions... so much stimulation in such a small enclosed space.
Experiencing the stark contrast between my new heart-led headspace and the old all too familiar mind-dominated anxious headspace is pretty intense. It's easy to forget how bad it was. And how when you're deep in it, it feels hopeless and like it will never end. And when it's bad, it's all-consuming. And it sucks the joy right out of life. Remaining present and in the moment is so hard.
If I let my mind wander, it would immediately go down the anxiety hole. It would start worrying about Christmas and money. It would choose a recent social event and pick apart every interaction I had there and everything I possibly did wrong. It would start berating me for the house being a mess. It would start planning outfits for social events weeks into the future.
I was driving the three year old to ballet on Monday afternoon; the baby mirror wasn't on the backseat headrest, so I couldn't glance in the rear view mirror to check on the rear-facing one year old. I glanced behind me and couldn't see her hands or feet sticking out of her carseat, she was being quiet, and I was suddenly consumed with the worry that I had left her at home. I knew I had buckled her in and handed her doll to her before I got in. I vividly remembered doing it. But I still HAD to put my hand behind me and touch the top of her head before my mind would let it go. What. The. Fuck.
Then five minutes later, I suddenly was consumed with the feeling that I had missed the turn. I drive this way multiple times a week. I knew where I was going, yet I was suddenly sure that I had somehow missed the very obvious turn. My mind wouldn't let it go, and because we were on the hairy edge of being late which is a big trigger for me when I'm deep in the anxiety hole, I pulled up my GPS and double checked. Guess what... the turn was 2 minutes ahead of us.
I forget how my mind used to fuck with me like that all the time. But I didn't realize it was my mind. I thought it was me. And I thought I was going crazy. But it wasn't and I'm not. I stopped living through the lens of my mind, and shit got so much easier.
Check out Oprah and Gary Zukav discussing the separation between your mind and your inner being. I highly recommend his book, The Seat of the Soul.
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