Weaning off of Lexapro is a bitch.

I'm currently on day five of a 5 mg dose. This is reduced after a month of 10 mg. This was reduced from 15 mg, my standard dose. I was on 20 mg for a while previously, weaned down to 10 mg due to side effects, then had been back up to 15 mg for several months. I've been on SSRIs for 16 months total. First Zoloft, now Lexapro. But not for much longer! I know I'm ready to be off of them. They served their purpose and got me through literally debilitating postpartum anxiety. I've upped my mindfulness game hardcore and have a much better understanding of anxiety and the mind. I'm ready to be back to myself, zero Big Pharma chemicals fucking with my brain chemistry. Next step, get out that Mirena IUD. Hubs needs to hurry up on that vasectomy, amiright?! But for the time being, I would 100% rather have Mirena hormones in my womb than a surprise third child. But I digress...

So I'm five days deep into a lower dose. The nausea is back. I'm irritable AF. My toddler crying is a big trigger for me since it sends my cortisol through the roof. My three year old fucks with the toddler regularly because she's three. Then the toddler scream cries. Then I'm immediately enraged at the source of the crying toddler, my three year old. Then I just have to take deep breaths and remind myself that she's only three and I'm the adult in the situation... over and over and over.

But then it's shit like this morning, when I stood up in the kitchen and hit my head on the corner of an open cabinet door. I had to go lock myself in the bathroom and cry for a hot minute. And not because it even hurt that much. More out of overwhelming frustration-rage. Eckhart Tolle would call it my pain body.

I'm so twitchy. I want to crawl out of my skin. My toddler wants to nurse and nurse and nurse and I just have to put a stop to it eventually or I'll scream. Meditating is nearly impossible. Yoga is hard. Journaling is hard. Being patient with my kids is hard. Being patient with my husband is even harder.

I can focus on being present and being the calm amidst the storm of tiny humans, but the second something loud and startling happens, I shoot straight back to up to the reactivity and stress state.

The kids are watching TV in our room. In an ideal day, they would have zero screen time. But today is definitely not that day. It's cold and rainy outside. It's Friday. There are zero story times at any of the local libraries. I needed some quiet time. Desperately.

I know that the symptoms come back before they abate. I just have to hang in there and keep on keeping on. I know how to stay centered, it's just so much fucking harder when I'm deep in the anxiety hole. I just keep reminding myself that it's all just the reality my mind is creating for me. All of my experiences are through the lens of anxiety right now. I need to breathe and keep coming back to my inner calm over and over.

I have to stay present and respond instead of reacting. It's that simple and that difficult.