Thanksgiving Zaps

Day 4 of no Lexapro. This after 14 days of 5 mg, after 28 of days of 10 mg, after several months of 15 mg (down from 20 mg). The anxiety and twitchiness is back. Of course. And I'm also having some lovely strange zaps of sensation... pretty much whenever I move today. Which is Thanksgiving, BTW. But I'm trying this new approach to life that can be best summed up as: Fuck it! I don't have to do it all! Everything will work itself out without my controlling the shit out of every moment! ...

So my husband and three year old are currently picking up our pre-cooked-just-heat-and-serve Thanksgiving meal from Whole Foods!!! And ingredients to make a pumpkin pie with my three year old. (But a frozen crust. I'm not THAT committed.) And wine. I am pleased. My sister and her beau will be arriving in a few hours. They are young with no offspring and bring lots of energy and enthusiasm for entertaining mine. PERFECT.

The one year old has been cutting multiple molars recently. So she's been wanting to nurse nonstop all night. So I've been exhausted and my anxiety has been worse. Yesterday we drove three hours to go to an in-law's mother's funeral. It was cancer. She was sixty. V sad. Then we stuck around for the post-funeral food in the back of the church. Lots of smiling and small talk while simultaneously ensuring my children didn't trip any old people. Then we had to drive three hours home. The one year old was loudly displeased about being in the car again. And my three year old pooped her pants in her carseat. Because while she did alert us that she needed to poop, she neglected to communicate the emergent nature of the situation.

So after getting the girls to bed, Husband and I stayed up watching The Great British Baking Show in bed and just hanging out and enjoying each other's company kid-free for the first time in at least a week. In other news, I can already tell a big difference in my libido. As I've been weaning off, it's been coming back. Everyone involved is pleased with this development. Fucking Big Pharma chemicals, man. They fuck with everything. (And let me reiterate that they served me well when I needed them due to literally debilitating postpartum anxiety. But my journey with them is over now.)

All of this to say: I slept in until 11:00 this morning and feel like a whole new human. Sleep is so goddamn important for my mental health and I look forward to my baby finishing up with her growing of new teeth. The end. And happy thanksgiving.